True love waits…

In June 2016 I reconnected with someone I loved dearly in 2009. During our six year hiatus, we both thought the other wasn’t interested in reconnecting, only to find out our love for each other was just as deep and passionate now as it’d been in 2009. For reasons basically outside of our control, we aren’t able to be together right now.

I love Sean in a way I’ve never known love before. I had no clue I could love someone with the breath and depth with which I love Sean.  I had no clue how friends could find someone they were willing to commit their lives to, and stay married to, for decades. With Sean alone, I understand those feelings. My love for him is unconditional, and believe me, those conditions have been well tested. I may get momentarily angry, but it’s impossible for me to stay angry or feel resentment towards him. Our time together has never been simple or easy, but it’s always worth more than I could ever express.  I accept him exactly as he is, even accepting our inability to be together right now. I believe in him as much as I’ve ever believed in anyone. He’s absolutely my equal; I’ve never felt above or below him.

While everyday I hope we’ll find ourselves in a place where we can be together, I acknowledge it might not work out. Still I’m grateful for him every single day. He makes me a better person, without having to do or say a thing. Even apart, I feel as loved and wanted by Sean as I love and want him.

I don’t know how this story will play out, but I know it will never be boring. It doesn’t matter if we have 4 days, 4 months or 40 years together, my love for Sean is the realest, truest love I’ve ever known.

Friends who knew us in 2009 might not understand this, and that’s okay.


Babies babies everywhere

My social groups have always been primarily child-free or, if there were kids around, they were older. Between Dec 2015 and Jan 2016, three sets of friends had babies.  At first I thought this was an anomaly.  Then a few weeks ago, I attended Isaac’s 33rd birthday party to play Dominant Species.  The four other players were all recent (or soon to be) parents.  The day before I played 1830 at Ehren’s.  He too has a 5 mo. child.  Obviously the burst of family growth wasn’t an anomaly.

There are many potential explanations for having so many child-free friends and why that may be changing.  The change shouldn’t be surprising given I tend to spend a large portion of my time with 30-somethings, specifically gaming mostly with younger guys, than with folks my own age.  My life has never been very conducive to having children around.  I spent my 20s in grad school; I actually interviewed for my first professional job on my 30th birthday.  During my 30s,  my partners and friends were mostly gay and lesbian.  Laural and Sue both have kids and were the exceptions.  I was 37 when I had my car accident.  My 40s didn’t really exist, as I was primarily housebound recovering from the accident.  So here I am in my early 50s being exposed to babies for the first time since the birth of my siblings over 40 years ago.  I like it 🙂

As much as I like it, I can honestly say there’s not been a single day I wished to have a child.  Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with kids.  Seeing Erica every month or two is a highlight on those days.  I’d be happy to forego gaming and play with her.  I’d probably enjoy being involved with someone with kids.  I’ve just never had a desire to have a child myself.

I fondly remember the times I spent at Laural’s, when I lived in New Paltz, with her and her two kids, Shane and Tarah.  I used to head straight to their home after work, have dinner with them and then hang out, often playing Scrabble or Chinese checkers.  They’re the closest I’ve come to having kids, and I love them.  At the time, they were around 12-14.  It still warms my heart when I think of Shane bringing me a plant and bottle of shampoo while I was in the hospital after my accident.  Laural wasn’t interested in being involved with me at the time, but had she been, I likely would’ve stayed in New Paltz or asked them to come with me to my next job (aka Boston).  Sue had Harrison (9ish) and Becky (18ish), but I didn’t spend much time with either of them.  During grad school, Margy had Paul (4ish).  Many of my current age-appropriate friends (mostly at Cards and Conversation and my 40+ book club) have adult children they speak of at times, but I’ve rarely ever met them.   That’s about the entire extent of my exposure to kids.

I guess if I’d ever had the desire to marry (which I haven’t), things might have been different.  Valuing a single, non-monogamous, education then career focused life through my 30s didn’t exactly lend itself to me being around many kids.  I’ve had four conversations about marriage and a couple about kids over the years, but I’ve never been very interested.  I remember Donna (from my grad school days) telling me those feelings would change, but they mostly haven’t.

Around the time I turned 50, I did begin to notice a bit of a change. For the first time, I became open to monogamy (though its feasibility remains untested) and even to the possibility I might someday marry.  I can look all the way back to 8th grade and see my proclivity for non-monogamy, even though I didn’t begin identifying as non-monogamous until 1995.  Typically I have several long-term FWB relationships, either with or without a primary partner.   Maybe turning 50 made me think I might like to grow old with someone.  Maybe I’m a little more mainstream as I’m finally recovered enough to slowly reenter society.  Or maybe I’ve sufficiently sewn my wild oats and am finally ready to settle down.


Watercolor class 5/8/17

Last year I went to a watercolor class offered by the Charlestown Public Library.  I didn’t like the class because there wasn’t any instruction.  Yesterday I went to the first of three watercolor classes, hoping the instructor would be someone other than the woman from last year.  No such luck…

This time, again without instruction, she wanted us to paint this still life. 20170508_134829 Who asks beginning watercolor students to paint white flowers, without any instruction as to how to do so?  I thought she was crazy, as did most other women at my table.  Of the four of us, only one attempted to paint the flowers.  She too was a total beginner, but I must say, she did a pretty good job of painting light gray shadows and pink dots here and there, such that if you knew you they were supposed to be flowers, you might be able to see them.  At the end of class, the instructor took her painting and started telling what she should’ve done and painted over her work.  It’s another thing I don’t like about this instructor.  Without even asking permission, she just takes your work and starts painting on it!

Anyway,  the instructor labeled our table “the anarchists,” LOL.  We liked that title.  I may have actually started the revolt.  She said we could paint anything we wanted.  She’d shown us several examples of watercolor.  “The anarchists” each chose one of those works.  Emily chose to do a few images from a watercolor manual.  Another woman chose to copy a John Singer Sargent mural.  I chose to replicate a simple ship from a children’s book.Jpeg

I wanted to do something simple that played around with a couple of techniques.  I was pretty happy to be able to make something that resembled the original (I forgot to take a pic of the original for comparison).  The addition of clouds was my doing and I liked it.  Despite how simple it was, I wasn’t able to complete it in the 1.5 hours.  I was planning to go back in and draw the top of the lighthouse after I painted it (which may not have been a good idea), as I wasn’t sure how much I’d be able to leave white.

Will I return for the last two classes?  I guess I’ll find out.  Last time I didn’t continue, but this time I might do so just for the dedicated time of doing something creative.  I really love doing art, but for some reason, I seem incapable of sitting down alone and beginning.  I have the supplies, just not motivation to get started.  Maybe I should find someone to get together with, as if I have room in my already insanely busy life…

Making this post also serves as a reminder that I didn’t finish posting the art projects I did with Elle in 2016.  Before the new round of classes begin, I want to get those posted.  Posting helps me look back and see if I’m making progress over time.